Sex with an ex

There you are, sitting alone on a Saturday night, eating stale Doritos and watching reruns of Seinfeld. It wouldn't be so bad, except you have an itch, a sexual itch that is, in need of scratching. You start flipping through your brain's Rolodex and realize that other than the slightly weird person in accounting who flirts with you, there are no real prospects on the horizon. Big-time loser feelings start seeping into your every pore. Panic ensues. Photo: Even Sex and the City's Samantha Jones, played by Kim Cartrall, is leery of hitting the sack with a former lover. Your mind wanders back to the sex you had with your last partner. Instead of remembering all the reasons you broke up, you start fantasizing about his/her soft, warm body up against yours in your nice, cosy bed. Without thinking, you pick up the phone. He/she answers. You try to make some small talk, but it is of no use. You ask him/her to come over for a "drink." Both of you know that's code for "Let's have sex tonight." He/she finally arrives, your legs sore from twitching. In a mad scramble to rip each other's clothes off, there is little or no thought given to consequences. Sex with an ex: Good idea to keep your sexual juices flowing during the transition time, or bad mistake that will keep you messed up longer? As every breakup is different, doing some analysis might save you heartache when your libido takes over your brain. First, know you are not some freak because you want to have sex with the same person you spent days (maybe weeks or even years) getting all bent out of shape over after the breakup. Sex can comfortably numb the I'm-a-big-fat-loser worries, the short-term pain and panic. It is convenient and semi reliable. As well, yours is an established relationship, so all the preamble of getting to know each other and the weirdness of seeing each other naked does not exist. Your ex is (hopefully) clean of any sexually transmitted diseases. Also, you might have gone through a lot together and, on some level, only he/she can understand you. Now let's look at the other side of this equation. Never fool yourself. As much as you want to believe sex is simply sex and nothing more, the act is a ticking bomb of many emotions waiting to go off. To start with, count the time elapsed since your separation. The fresher the breakup, the stronger both your favourable and angry emotions for this person will be. Conversely, the longer your relationship has been over and done with, the better chance those dormant emotions will be jolted back to life. In this confused moment, the need for sex can be a clever cover for a need of an emotional reconnection with another human being. If the sex is good, you may wonder why you broke up in the first place. Due to these confused emotions, it is easy to start playing the come here/go away game, and moving on may take a lot longer than necessary. Next is being OK with the hard core reality of your situation. Before you have sex, are you willing to re-establishing safe sex practices? Or are you in denial that your partner is not messing around behind your back. Are you ready, in the aftermath of sex, when your ex starts exhibiting the traits that had you breaking up in the first place? Know you will most likely feel empty and unfulfilled, because after he/she leaves, you will again be partnerless. What if he/she never calls you back, and shame-faced you realizes you were simply his/her booty call for the evening? And speaking of which, are you mentally prepared for the eventuality of when your ex tells you he/she has moved on to the next partner? If you are all right with all of this, then go ahead, have tons of protected sex with your ex. If not, take a long cold shower when you feel your resolve wearing thin. Do whatever it takes to stop you from calling him/her. One great thing that comes out of having sex with an ex is the valuable lesson learned: Ultimately, satisfying an urge at the sacrifice of self-worth is never worth it -- even if the sex is amazing. Samantha Jones, the infamous character from Sex and the City, put it best: "Sex with an ex can be depressing. If it's good, you can't get it anymore. If it's bad, you just had sex with an ex."